Can't Talk

I can't write this post. It's too hard.

You know, I think I've figured myself out. I may not always feel good, but at least it's never... Dirty. Like, the guilty dirty. THe sick feeling that you get when you just want to turn back itme. Yes, okay, there are times where I've felt like that-- when I say something completely inappropriate and I do that thing where I hit my forehead with the heel of my hand-- but I try so, so hard to go out of my way to prevent those moments from happening.
In all scenarios, I'd rather be the victim- even if that means that I'm not smiling ear to ear.
At least I'm right. Right?

When I was younger, I got in to a lot of classic small-child trouble at school. Like, staying out in the playground too late, and going upstairs when all the lights are off, and fighting on the playground. (A lot of these things happened on the playground). We moved every other year, when I was younger, and it just started getting really easy to recreate myself- easy to forget about and write off all of those times that I did something wrong. I'd just move, and know never to do these things again. I learn from my mistakes, and from other peoples and everything... It's hard suddenly not being the victim, because... I mean, I know that I've done nothing wrong. It's more in the blurry grey area.
Like a white lie?
I really can't divulge more without crossing in to the evil definitely wrong area, but what I'm trying to say... I don't even know. I can't talk, I can't write...

God, if this were a conversation then I'd be pacing and running my hands madly through my hair.
I feel like I need to go under the covers and listen to empowering music for the rest of my life. THat's the only way that I'll be able to convince myself that I don't need to be forgiven, because I've done nothing wrong.
I don't need to be a victim to feel like I'm not the villain.

I'd wrap my hands around the cool frappuchino, letting the sun work it's magic. And then I'd nod, and drink, and remember that I'm not bad, and I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not weak.