My Life Now

I've realised that there's an exhaustion that comes with pain. Like all the emotion's just too much for your body-- not happiness though. You can jump up and down and just feel even more invigorated.
If we're tired, though, we're less motivated to go out and make everything better, not that one outing can even fix anything.

I don't know if you can call what's happening here 'going through something'. It's more like, watching something happen.
I can feel the breach of trust, the hurt, the pain, and this hit me hard, but I'm being forced to deal with it, and it's getting easier and easier to alleviate if I put a cross through the past, and handle with what's going on now.
If I don't dwell on the complete betrayal.

But nothing's hit me hardest. It's almost as if there was a fireball thrown, and I'm only scathed. THere are people though, who are burning, or will burn with the fireball gets round to them. I think maybe I'm just an artist at jumping out of the way, which in this case is a good thing, but with respect to getting on with life and stuff, it's not as super.
I just have to learn how to identify a fireball from a big bouncing rush of joy, then I'll know what to absorb and what to dodge.

What I'm saying, is that I don't know what I feel, but that I know that what I do feel is not the worst it could be. I know that I'm strong in many ways, but that I'm angry. And that I need to find some way to vent. I'm angry that there was any fireball at all.
So, I'm just going to have to keep plowing through the exhaustion.
I might watch 300 tonight, my friend lent it to me.

The Front Door

I don't like being all alone in the house. It's suddenly like every creak's an assassin flying down the stairs, knife raised, or every time the pump goes off just because, there's a pirate who's trying to scare me.
I always lock the door when I leave, and I've learnt to always put music on, because it's distracting enough to stop me from analysing every sound in the house, but not so distracting that I can't focus on anything.

And then. There. Is the Door.
The front door: so I went down a couple of days ago to let my mum in, and this is around the same time that I was telling her that lately my imagination's been working overtime, so sometimes I can actually see in my mind how a teleporter murderer might turn the corner and kill me with a throwing star. So I let my mum in, and she stands looking at the door for a couple of minutes, and then tells me that it looks like someone's been trying to break in, and that they're close- almost breakable.
I'm home alone a lot, just because of all the frees that I have and I hate waiting around in school, so I come here, and now it's like... Am I supposed to lock the door when I'm home alone? Because it's starting to seem like a really logical idea.
I mean, loads of people must do it.
But then I don't want to tempt the fates, you know? And getting super anxious about all of this isn't going to help with me handling stress.

Hence the post title. The front door has ruined my composure, and my calm. Every time the phone rings, I'm terrified that it's going to be someone waiting outside who makes me leave the house and go to some drop off point where some dark vehicle picks me up, I'm bound and gagged and driven to a secret location where I'm held for ransom, but what choice do I have? Even if I stay inside, the front door is zero help.
I need some doughnuts and some tea so badly right now, seriously.

Bus Drama

I get the bus about twice a day five times a week minimum, and it may not sound like a super amazing all enthralling number there, but when you multiply it by seven years, it puts it in a bit more perspective. The bus has become calming for me now- I'll be sitting at the back with my ipod in, and there'll be nothing else that I want except for this journey to keep going.
It's prime day dreaming time for me.

And I've developed certain bus-rules. Always on the bottom floor, the top floor's more for the super-rebels, the chatty ones.The bottom's more my style. THen you have to leave a seat between you and whoever else there is, and that is just common respectfulness. You have your space, they have theres.
But I have a certain bad habit, see if the raised seats in the middle are taken, then I go to the back where I sit facing backwards in the corner, which sounds fine because you feel like you're all alone on the bus. But then people sit opposite and next to you, and suddenly, you're blocked in.
It's worst if you're blocked in by an old or fat person, because you don't want to hassle the old, and the fat are hard to move past, especially because you don't want them to feel self conscious, so you have to try and make it look like a breeze, when really it's almost olympic like the stuff you have to do.

Bus. Drama. It's starting to stress me out. How did a journey become a challenge, seriuosly?

Ally McBeal

I just watched a LOT of Ally McBeal, season four-- the one with Robert Downey Jr in it, where he's Larry: the most amazing person in the entire world.

One second I'd be laughing, the next literally writhing as I cried. I mean, dude. It's scary, it's like this: okay, Ally is awesome. She's confident and she knows what she wants and who she is, and she isn't afraid to tell someone- after a while. Sometimes she's afraid at the start, but seriously, her quest for love, it's really commendable.
I may only be seventeen, but the whole love-thing is getting to me. What if you find love, and then you get married, only to find that it was the wrong guy? Love isn't enough, it won't ever be, especially with flying and playing cards and russian roulette and foot cream, and whatever.
You need the Ally-Larry combo, and it hurts the way that everything ends.
I am so terrified, I mean, someone that amazing still doesn't get it. Still! And Renee's barely there in the fifth season, and it just makes me so insane.

And I'm not wearing nail varnish for the first time in about seven months.

One Life

THese past couple of weeks, now that my exams are getting closer and closer, it's striking me suddenly how there's only ONE life. We only get ONE try.
There are millions and gabillions of books out there, but we, the humans- we essentially get ONE book.
We can't go to Hogwarts and Narnia, even though through reading, we discover them both. It's like --- we get one first kiss. One first broken bone. One first house. We only get one eighteenth birthday. One fiftieth. One husband, one of everything-- if you're lucky.
What's really started to dawn on me, is that I might miss one of my ONES. Then I have nothing, which is possibly the scariest thing of all.
It's like monopoly- you can buy every property, get a load of houses, or you can just go around the board making no real impact on the game. You have money, maybe one property, but that's it.
In the end, you're the one who loses. Maybe you have the most money- but you were bored the entire game.
What was the point in even playing, right?

It is fucking scaring me. We get ONE life. One.
One. Only. We can't press the delete button and rewrite a word, a sentence, a paragraph.
We just have to keep flowing, make the timeline go on in one direction. ONE. *whimpers, switching on some Ally Mcbeal*

Balloon

I'm familiar with trepidation. I know that I have to face the foolish things that I've done or said, but god, it's so hard to do it. It gets to a point where you're just like, 'seriously? again?' I'm so tired of having to feel this way. Of always having something to be shy or embarrassed about, or sorry for. It's exhausting.
I feel like a balloon where someone's let the air out of me, deflating slowly, rather than being popped. I'm just so completely drained of anything that could make me care about something right now. There's no passion searing my vision, or making me write.
The only reasont aht I'm even posting is because of a lack of drive. I jsut think... Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll feel dandy and happy and I'll jump up and down and know that I'm awesome.

I'll know that I haven't alienated my friends, we've just faded apart. That I'm not annoying, just special.
I'm a glittery balloon.