Right Thing

I always want people to say and do the right thing for that moment.

When my parents say the wrong thing I get frustrated, annoyed that all my life I've had this semi misinformation. When I think about the person I want to end up with, I want them to know and do just the right thing.
But I can't do that myself, I expect this amazingness from everyone when I can't even call it up in myself. I want to marry someone who does everything right but wants nothing in return.

Can I say simply that we're complementary? Him always making up for some awkwardness on my part by being all super?

Am I a hypocrite?

Rhubarb Protection

There's a fly in the kitchen. The hugest most gigantic fly of all time. It's barely afraid when I walk towards it.

And there's uncovered food. So what do I, saviour of all pies do? I cover the cake. And the rhubarb pie, which my mum made this morning and which I'm not sure if it's supposed to be covered yet is sitting in front of me so that I can keep a watchful eye on it.
And I'm sitting by the window, which is my awesome plan. The fly likes rhubarbs, I can tell. Sooner or later it will sucuumb to needing the pie, and then it will be fooled and will fly out the window.

This fly chose the wrong kitchen.

Moving On.

You know, I think that there's some bad in all of us. Like there really is a devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other.

Because there has always been a part of me that doesn't want to do the right thing-- who wonders if they could hack in to someone's account. Who doesn't want to forgive. Who wants to punish.

The whole account thing was just a sudden flash that came over me two seconds ago when I was revising auxins-- plant hormone. I swear they make me want to drive a pencil through my hand, it's too much! One little paragraph in the whole textbook is making me this crazy. But I was just sitting here and then bham! I was like, hey I think I figured out what this password is, should I hack in? Not change anything, just give it a go?
But that's just where it starts. First I'm hacking in just for a look, and then I'm breaking in to banks and wearing black and white striped full suit outfits.

So, I'm putting my foot down and saying angel, you take the reigns on this one. I never want to let the devil on my shoulder whisper loud enough for me to really consider it.
At the same time though, I worry that my kids in the future won't see the angel, they'll just see me making the wrong decision. But I'm doing the right thing by moving on. I know that I am, even if it seems to many, including me sometimes that I shouldn't.

Exam Season

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing, exams. Constant revision, back ache, hand ache. Constant supply of tea, constant weetoes eating. Almost as beautiful as a unicorn, one might say.
[sense the sarcasm..]

It feels like a giant fog hovering over me that I know will be there for the next month and a bit, and it's the same fog that's been there for the past year- more so after January, but dammit I want to see! Clearly! I want a clear sky to match the blue outside (speaking of, the sunshine. is. awesome.) I may genuinely sound upbeat, but honestly it's because I'm partially hyper, and I'm mid organising seeing Prince of Persia.

Really, the exam season pisses me off. Two of the most beautiful months of the year, and we're destined to be sitting inside, watching it go by, without really stepping in to it. Because if we step in to it, then we're basically diving in to the depths of purgatory, because I for one know that my conscience won't deal with no effort very well at all.
Curse my epic awesomeness.

What Are They Doing?

In many ways I think that I'm afraid to go out there and be super social and active because that will be admitting that what I've been doing for the past five years is essentially waste time.

When I'm in school and I'm all 'oh, did you see [blank] last night?' everyone's always like 'you watch SO MUCH tv!! how do you have time for it?'
But I do have the time for it, it's true, and I watch LOADS of tv, and loads of films, and I read loads, and yet still manage to find time to revise, and do work and clean the kitchen up. How is it that they don't? What is it that the rest of society is doing that I'm not?
And if I find out, will I feel too bad that I've spent the time I could have been doing that watching repeats of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Over and over?

Gryffindor

Apparently only small children can buy gryffindor t-shirts off the internet, it's a sick joke. By girls I thought they meant women, just in a casual way.
Now I have a tiny black harry potter top that I can never wear, that I ripped out of the packaging I was so excited. This is such a sad time for me right now.

And I'm reading "Little Lost Girl" which is making me sad, and tired.

And I'm doing a maths past paper and listening to Enrique Iglesias. If I could just teleport to a beach right now, lie back down in a reclining beach chair, feet in sand, icecream in hand, ocean in front of me...
That would be so awesome.

My Life Now

I've realised that there's an exhaustion that comes with pain. Like all the emotion's just too much for your body-- not happiness though. You can jump up and down and just feel even more invigorated.
If we're tired, though, we're less motivated to go out and make everything better, not that one outing can even fix anything.

I don't know if you can call what's happening here 'going through something'. It's more like, watching something happen.
I can feel the breach of trust, the hurt, the pain, and this hit me hard, but I'm being forced to deal with it, and it's getting easier and easier to alleviate if I put a cross through the past, and handle with what's going on now.
If I don't dwell on the complete betrayal.

But nothing's hit me hardest. It's almost as if there was a fireball thrown, and I'm only scathed. THere are people though, who are burning, or will burn with the fireball gets round to them. I think maybe I'm just an artist at jumping out of the way, which in this case is a good thing, but with respect to getting on with life and stuff, it's not as super.
I just have to learn how to identify a fireball from a big bouncing rush of joy, then I'll know what to absorb and what to dodge.

What I'm saying, is that I don't know what I feel, but that I know that what I do feel is not the worst it could be. I know that I'm strong in many ways, but that I'm angry. And that I need to find some way to vent. I'm angry that there was any fireball at all.
So, I'm just going to have to keep plowing through the exhaustion.
I might watch 300 tonight, my friend lent it to me.