The Lake I Want

Pack my clothes up in a duffel bag, book a trip someplace nice where they speak english. Where I can sail out on a lake on a boat and feel completely safe.

Where I can tip my head back and just feel the wind on my face. Where I can look around at all of the dark trees and say 'how beautiful' softly to myself as I eat prawn cocktail crisps.

Then, in the evening, I can dress up in a white party dress with long blue socks and black vans and dance around the floor like someone who's achieved something, and when a slow song comes on, someone dashing and kind will whip me in to his arms so that we can just be there in each other's arms, no longer alone. And then we'll go out on the lake again the next day, and we'll laugh and play cards, and take sandwiches.

Loooooove?

What is love, anyway?

Can it fade? Or do people just change? Does it become less exciting?

Is companionship more important? Is it? Should it be?

Would I let it? Should I?

Argh... Too many questions...

Another Place

If only I lived in Camelot... So, so awesome...

Stop talking

I don't care about the money.

If it pays well then great, if the pay's not amazing, then fine, I'll manage. I won't eat a chocolate pie every single day.

At least I'll be happy.

You're the one that taught me not to take a shit, long, tedious job even if it pays a lot. Even if all I'm trying to do is give my family a nice bouncy sofa.

I'll have bean bags.

You're the one that taught me to not take advice from other people.

Stop talking to me like you know everything in the world, because you don't. You don't at all. I'm the way that I am because I'm dodging the bullets that hit you.

Stop talking to me like I'm the one bleeding on the floor.

If I did what you told me, if I let you guide my hand all the time, then I'd have made the same plays as you. I'd be leaking my bodily fluids out of my stomach.

Just stop talking.

Optimus Prime

So, it's December now. How long... 21 days to christmas.

Cool.

Every morning I practically fall down the stairs to get to my Optimus Prime advent calendar.

It's so beautiful... And yesterday, as I ripped off a square with his fingers on and stuck it in a blue book that I've been sticking the squares in, I realised why it is that the whole ripping-and-sticking thing is so fulfilling- if not necessary.

It gives each day a new purpose. It's not just tuesday anymore, it's christmas tree day. It's knowing how much of the month is left so you don't walk blindly through it ignoring the time passing by.

It means that I don't forget to have a life. THen I thought, 'omg, there should be a calendar for each month'. Because then, I'd always have a life, and I wouldn't sit in front of the tv oblivious for hours.

I mean, I'd still sit in front of the tv, but I'd do it for entertainment, and not just to pass the time that my jacket potato's in the oven for.

Then I realised, that having an advent calendar isn't so that each day has a purpose, it's to jig you up for christmas, which depressed me a bit. Because there's only one month in a year where you get all hyped up and dance around with tinsel?!

So wrong.

And it was after that that I realised that I needed to hype myself up for something. It's not the world's job to give me a sense of chirrupiness every month, that would just be exhausting for the planet. It's my job.

And no, I can't slay vampires and no, I can't fly around the earth, dropping glitter bombs from a height.

No, I can't swing from tree to tree on sturdy vines, because no, I'm not Tarzan. What I can do though, I realised, is know my dream.

Which is what I'm attempting to do now.

Then will come the actual getting to it.

All I keep thinking is, if it weren't for my advent calendar, then I wouldn't have thought that. I'd just walk through the other months of the year shrugging and watching Ally McBeal over and over.

So, Optimus Prime stops my own personal apocalypse *hugs*

Controversy

Controversy rocks.

I love being able to give my opinion, and I love when people sound stupid trying to defend their own naive views.

I hate that I'm like that.

But it's the truth. I spent so long just nodding and being the nice quiet girl who drew swirls in her exercise book.

And now I'm the girl with the ferocity of a warrior in her eyes.

And for that I'm proud.

I hate that I believe that I'm the one who's right.

How can I be proud, and yet angry at the same time?

Making a scene

What I hate, possibly the most about people, is their total denial of a need for a attention.

We all like it.

None of us, however, want to seek it out. Some do, some pout their lips and push themselves up against other people and whatever, but the vast majority are all 'nah'.

By all means, we welcome it when it comes a-knocking but other than that, no, we're just fine.

Sometimes we'll laugh a little harder, smile a little wider, but that's the extent of it.

When two people are pissed off in the middle of the street, and they start shouting, they're 'making a scene'. They're apparently asking for attention. This is also apparently disgusting.

Being quiet doesn't make you polite. It doesn't make you more well liked. It doesn't mean that you're modest, or that you care more, or that you're more insightful.

It means you're incapable of acknowledging the truth about a situation. It means that you'd rather ignore a problem than have anyone else see that you're vulnerable.

And sooner or later, the problem goes away all together. Wait, does it?

No. No, it doesn't, people. It just recedes until next time. Because you never addressed it. Because you just shoved it behind a wall of fake peachiness.

I get that no one likes a drama queen. But no one likes an ignorant, resent-filled bitch either.

Gilmore girls

Gilmore girls rocks.

Literally, there's an episode for every single emotion. And they always make me feel empowered, and strong, like I control my fate, or whatever, and they always give me hope in the male species.

I mean, I may only be 17, but there's a lot of anti-boy feelings that can start to harbour within you. First of all, just look at the past, I can't take it when I read books where guys are fixated on the apparent weakness of women. Then there's the whole complete inability to comprehend what it's like to be filled with such raucous emotions. THen there's this whole 'sex-drive' thing which just pisses me off quite frankly.

Like, it's okay for a boy to jump in to bed with a girl, but a girl does that and she's a slag?

But in Gilmore Girls, you're just surrounded by all of these awesome dudes, and they all love Rory which just adds to the coolness.

So, you've got Luke, who's just the coolest person in the world,

Logan *sigh*,

Jess *swoon*,

Dean *nod appreciatively then move on swiftly*,

Marty *sad eyes*

Kirk, naturally

Doyle ^^

There's just this whole array of completely awesome people, and you may be so tired and so sad, and so completely strung out that your brain is sagging from all of the time that it's been on hyperdrive, but one episode with one of the boys and suddenly you're rejuvenated and completely spry.

It's got healing powers, seriously.

Gilmore girls is psychopathic and poetic.

Day of crap

This was supposed to be the best weekend ever. I cried through it, literally there's so much crap being thrown at me, so much stress, so much pressure.

Then came monday, when I'm supposed to sort through all of the crap and make it better. Of course, though it all just gets ten miles of shit worse.

I'm completely exhausted, I feel drained emotionally, mentally, physically- drained in all of the ways that you can be. It's literally like I'm a flannel and someone's squeezed all of the water out of me so all that's left is this limp, slightly moist fluffy disgusting thing.

I'm just so tired of the fear, and the worry. I'm tired of the huge, never ending list of things that I have going.

I'm so overwhelmed it's almost unbearable. Somehow though, I'm managing to cling on to the barest edges of my sanity, and I'm getting on with everything- I'm sorting through my brain, and I'm trying hard not to pin resentments and anger down. It's so easy to, though.

Still trying anyway.

Spiderman

There is something crazy elusive about Spiderman

- I don't know if it's his vibrancy, rippling but not overwhelming muscles- giving him his hot physique, that he's really Peter Parker, one of the cutest people on earth...

And here's where I welcome the irony- because I'm actually freaked out by spiders. My whole body literally shudders at the sight of them and I have to duck out of the room. So shouldn't I be weirded out by a hybrid person? By someone infected with a spider gene?

Instead I swoon at the sight of Spiderman. He is darn foxy.

School

It's not so much the education system as people's perception of all who are involved in it that pisses me off.

The exams are being dummed down? Seriously? That's how adults maintain their self esteem, they just slag off your high grades and insane work?

It's not the difficulty level, it's the pressure and the stress and I have reached my tether.

How people think it's okay just to shrug and say 'whatever, it's easy'. How people seem to love just throwing more and more at you until you feel about seven miles deep in complete shit, and you have to use all of your stores of energy to climb out and get a glimpse of the actual world.

It's ridiculous.

What I have to say about school, is that it goes on for far too long. It's when you're youngest that you're your most alive. We're being strapped down in school, made to work through our holidays, strung out so thinly that we nap through our spare time. There is literally no point for us to revel in our youth.

I was going to take a gap year, to actually take all of my naivety and my cute happiness and all of my young spring and use it all, but my parents said no. And what can you do? It's their money, it's their food, everything that you have you get from them. If I say, 'no, I'm taking a gap year', then I'd spend it all in a crappy job, trying to earn enough money to afford the ferry over to Calais.

Why school, and all of its advocates encourage the taking away of the best years of our lives is completely beyond me.

But more than that, it's the bastards who frown at all of us wasting our energy away, saying that in the end, we're not really even worth anything, and that back in their day, it was all so much more valid- they're the ones who I want to throw fish at and spray paint and crack eggs on.

Because they're saying that sacrificing my intensity and my whiz is nothing.

Fuck them.

People and Advice

I am so tired of people telling me that they know best, that their advice is amazingly legitimate and that not to take it would be an insult and would be detrimental to my quality of life.

Helloooooo, I have made my own decisions every single day my entire life, what makes this time any different? What makes this particular choice too big for my own apparently tiny brain?

Seriously.

And don't, seriously do not tell me, after I have made a huge decision, have accepted it, dealt with it and the consequences and am sitting at the table smiling eating cake, that you're livid with what I've done and that you think that it is such a joke.

Because that's just fucking rude.

You know what? I'll think about what you've said, I'll consider your advice, but in the end it is just your opinion. It's not the law. Get off your high horse and let me do what I want to do.

And so what if I fuck up a bit?! It just gives me one more anecdote for the next year.

I'm so over people and their advice. It's just pissing me off.

Robots

When I was revising physics earlier on a sensing topic, it was talking (the shiny blue textbook) about how robots are now used to build stuff and machines, and maybe soon perform surgery, because it cuts out human error.

First of all, you're never going to be able to fully cut out human error, because the error is always carried along right from the start, and a human might make a small fault in a robot which builds another robot (slightly wrong) and another and another and then bham, someone's hair's been dyed blue instead of black.

Utter nightmare.

Where does it end? Seriously, with all of the robot films in the world, you'd think that people would just wake up and go 'uuuurm, nah I'm going to pour my own orange juice'.

I can't remember where I heard it, I think I was watching a trailer, but there was this dude and he was all like 'humans are capable of making moral decisions, robots aren't' and I just wanted to clap him on the back.

It's poetic. It's the flaw with the robot. Robots are like utilitarians, which is a whole other thing but something that also manages to completely rile me- they're incapable of seeing passed the logical.

Robots are really starting to freak me out. Like, seriously, Where. Does. It. end?

Ball Games

This girl asked me yesterday if I played sport, and I snorted. I snorted. That's a pretty big commitment to a repulsion of sport.

I mean, dancing, gymnastics, ice skating those I get. They're like arts. I can watch them and be captivated. I do not understand the beauty of ball games. I mean, I can marginally understand how playing them is fun- there's an exhiliration, a thrill, particularly with dodgeball. But football? Rugby?

I'd actually rather shave my head than sit through one of those games.

And I think that I've pinpointed my fierce resentment towards them: it's the noise. It's the green fields, and the sound that the crowd makes and the way that the commentators sound. It's the outfits, the big thick leg muscles, it's the anger that it spurs, the rage that it encourages.

You either angrily win, or angrily lose. Drawing is possibly the worst thing in the entire world because that's just a whole bag of nothing. It's an anticlimax.

My parents love sport. My dad more than my mum probably, although she still goes to games, and checks scores and wears checkered t-shirts to show her support. There was always a ball game on tv, for the entirety of my childhood and I am not exaggerating. It would always be on.

Always playing, always screaming.

It's a waste of time and it pisses me off.

I get it, okay, I have some pretty strong resentments towards my childhood, so it follows that anything that was a constant then I would also resent, but it's more than that, this anger towards sport.

I don't care if it facilitates relationships and encourages community and makes people jump up and down and stamp their feet, it's a waste of space and I can't believe that I'm a minority here.

There's this film, "Fever Pitch" that rotates around the relationship between a workholic and a baseball-loving-school-teacher. It's actually an awesome film, it's like, romantic comedy, with Drew Barrymore, but there's this one line in it that I can't get out of my head.

They're having lunch or something, and Drew Barrymore goes on about how she hates those girls who are like 'what's so great about sport' because helloooo lameness, basically. And he gets really excited that she feels that way, and they have a whole cutesy moment.

But where is the satisfaction in sport? If you bet on someone winning and they do, then whoopdey doo, you're rich. But backing a team? How do you get any semblance of thrill out of that?!

I'm entirely baffled, and that line always, always sends me reeling. Because it makes me feel ignorant, and I'm not. I'm just opinionated, does that make me a less desirable girlfriend? If I'm not jumping up and down at the prospect of sitting through a pointless baseball game? Does it???

Fuck rugby, I'm going dancing.

Pets

My entire childhood, up until I was eleven, was spent in one and a half year sections.

We'd spend one and half years here, then move to another continent, then back, then to another country then back, so on and so forth- and it was just completely illogical to get a pet. Also my parents hate them.

But I grew up without a cute little puppy being dependant on me, and I still learnt the values of reliability and stability.

I still understand love even if I've never slowdanced in the moonlight.

Sometimes though, I'll be walking around, and I'll see someone walking their dog, and I'll wonder really what is the draw to have a pet? I have friends with multiple budgies, fish, guinea pigs, cats, whatever, there's all multitude of animals being domesticated, but I honestly don't get why.

I can see the advantage if you're living alone, and you get a big ginormous dog- you're offered companionship and a feeling of safety. But what about families?

This is seriously a giant question mark here, I have absolutely zero idea what would prompt someone to go out and buy a cat.

The whole cat-concept is just like, a gillion times more sinister, after reading "The Risen Empire" where one of the most awesome characters, Nara Oxham, hates them because the Emperor makes everyone worship them because he defeated death and they're the animals of the underworld or something.

And their skulls are so small... It just freaks me out.

So, I can understand a giant dog if you're living alone. I also actually get aquariums. Fish have this seriously captivating effect, especially colourful ones. They're fun to stare at. And also with fish, you don't pay thousands of pounds for insurance because they're bound to contract conjunctivitis and about seven million other diseases that- if left untreated, will lead to their hugely depressing death.

Fish just die, and then you get a new one and move on. Fish rock. I don't have a fish, but after writing that I'm going to consider getting one.

It actually sometimes makes me angry to hear about people breeding dogs, because they don't breed them always to get nice fat strong ones, they make good looking weak, suffering dogs. Ones that can't survive well, ones with bad lungs, and bad hearts, and tiny legs. Ones that are just going to give someone something to stroke while they're watching tv and nothing else.

What is the point in a hamster?

They run around and look little and have anxiety attacks, and they frankly give me the heebie jeebies. Please, world, enlighten me.

Teenness

So, I saw this book earlier with dirty red converses on, which should have been enough to send big flashing neon warning signals in to my brain, but of course I look in it anyway. It was a parenting guide for people with teenagers, and it just went on and on about how hard it is to put up with someone who actually hates the world.

I swear, people just don't have any sense in them. Are they literally so narrow minded that they can't even think to look back to what they were like?

When you go through something, you know what you feel, you know what you think, so dude, just REMEMBER, seriously, then maybe you can stop being such a craphead. I hear all of these theories about being 'hormone driven' and impulsive, but I'm a teenager, and I for one have a brain that I continue to use every single day. Maybe I feel and think with a little more ferocity, but is that so detrimental?

Stop grouping all teenagers in to a tiny little niche. Stop forgetting what it's like. And stop saying that being at the centre of the universe is a bad thing. I'm at the centre of my universe, yes, is that shocking??? Who should be?! My puppy? It's my universe.

Marriage

When I was an early teen, I would shake my head and bang my fist on the table and look up at all the people around me and declare that I would never get married.

It wasn't an anti-boy thing- I'd liked boys since I was in year three and there was this boy who came to the same ballet class as me and he was really good at it and he'd dance around and just be generally awesome.

I didn't want to be grouped in to this institution that just seemed so shallow and old fashioned. It was like using a gas cooker instead of buying a microwave, (I being the microwaver). But then, jacket potatoes never taste as good micorwaved as they do being cooked in an oven.

There's less fluffiness.

I'm actually zero percentage religious, I watch a lot of tv and read a lot of books and stretch my legs a lot, but I haven't been to church since I was about six, so there's no kind of religious aspect that's driving me to put a ring on my finger. Without that drive, what really is the point?

And then I thought, what if someone asked me. What if someone asked me to marry them? Why not jut do it?

Why say no, simply because I felt that I could, simply because I knew that marriage didn't particularly matter to me.

And then, then when I was imagining what I'd say to Michael Scoffield if he was bent down on one knee opening a velvety box up to me, it suddenly crashed in to me that marriage isn't about joining two people in love. It isn't about god welcoming you as a couple instead of as two individuals. It isn't about celebrating your love with all of your friends.

It's all about perception. The whole thing is about the way that two people are seen by the rest of society. And I realised that there is nothing wrong with that.

You dye your hair so that people get a certain idea about you. You dye it because you want to look different- and you want to look different because you feel different and you want people to see that you feel that way. For example, I got these dark purple highlights, and they make my whole hair look darker, and therefore make me as an individual look a lot more serious. It makes my opinion seem suddenly a lot more important.

The colour of your hair can change the entire world.

It's the same deal with marriage. When you get married, you're saying that you're ready to be seen as two eternal lovers. You're saying that you don't need to have eye contact with a foxy young Edward Cullen when you walk to the supermarket on monday morning, because you are ready to be seen as 'taken'. You're ready to be seen as with one person forever.

A couple can only be taken as entirely serious about each other if they're wearing a gold band around their left hand ring finger.

Lets say that a couple never gets married, but they share love far beyond what any married couple has ever had. That's great, well done to you two kids for finding each other. But noone but them will know, noone but them will smile and nod and know that this is the real deal.

And, that's honestly just not as satisfying. Why not share it with the entire world? Maybe give us all a bit of hope for the future. Seriously, because when you show that to the rest of us, even to complete strangers, you make us smile and nod too. And that is all we want.

People grit their teeth and say otherwise, and adamantly rant about how either marriage is conforming or about how it's sacred, but they'll know that that's not it, and that the entire thing is just one big fancy 'coming out' party.

Like when the ladies of the house would reach a certain age, dress up in a ball gown and be presented to society. It's the exact same, only you're being presented with someone else. You're saying 'this is my other half' and then you're smiling, clinking champagne glasses together and bowing.

And we all love it.